J. Michael Shearer's Theater: The Man Returns

It had been a hot, dry summer, much like it had been the last time he had made this particular trip. Or at least that's how the man remembered it. It had been a good ten years since the man had visited his theater, in which he had so loved to make fun of bad fan fiction and junk emails. The rotund man, named Jesse, was now in his mid thirties, with much more gray in his long, wild hair and beard than he thought he would have at his age. As this thought went through Jesse's mind, he also couldn't help but wonder how the theater and surrounding mall that he'd considered his had changed in the course of the decade he'd been gone.

Ten years, after all, was a long time, even in fantasy years, and not even in fairy tales do leases last forever. But Jesse also remembered how his show had been more popular than he had ever thought it would be, and he'd been very lucky in many ways, too. Perhaps that luck would continue, or resume, Jesse hoped.

As he approached the main entrance he'd always used, Jesse noticed that the name had at least changed since his last visit. What had once been the the Wonderland Mall was now called the Multiversal Plaza and Business Center. It seemed an odd name change to Jesse, but times had changed and the old mall had to change with them.

Once inside the mall, Jesse noticed that the polished manufactured stone floor had been replaced with a more modern style of carpeting, though the old varnished wood benches and gravel-board paneled trash bins were still much the same as he had remembered. The space in this initial hallway was much the same as it had been, as well, with the greeting card store taking up most of the left side of the passage, neighbored on the end by the Pietz, Strife and Ornitier Law Firm, while across the hall was the Healthy Home Water Store and the Local Coupons Book office, now with “Dot Com” officially added to the name.

As he approached the end of the main entry hall, Jesse saw his old theater's entrance. The big marquis he had installed over the main doors was still intact, looking much like the control panel at the front end of the engine core aboard the spaceship from one of his favorite science fiction series. Remarkably, about a third of the letters had somehow remained in place, and in sufficient arrangement for some words to still make a little sense.

“Digimon: Digidefenders.” Jesse thought to himself, reading the first two words that made sense. “How far did I make it in that series? Ten, eleven episodes, I think.”

Momentarily debating his next move, Jesse quickly decided to explore the hallway that opened perpendicular to the entryway, where his theater's neighbors to the left and right were. The eatery that had been right across from where his office in the theater had been had apparently closed and been replaced by a skate shop. Taking a right towards the skate shop, Jesse noticed that the only other active storefronts down that corridor were the hearing aid store and what appeared to be the mall's new security office. The security office was a rather plain door, with a nicely-printed sign across the top that read “Multiversal Plaza Safety and Security”. The decal sign on the door gave the office hours of 8 AM to 9 PM Daily and said that the office was staffed by one Constable Odo Ital, Chief of Security and one Inspector Carmelita Montoya Fox, Head Deputy.

“Naw, I couldn't get that lucky, could I?” Jesse thought, as he read the notice on the door. “I mean, I know Mr. Knotts has been gone awhile now, but unless the mall has new owners, I doubt they could afford such an upgrade to security as that.”

After taking that in for a moment, Jesse headed back to the left to see what was left of his old neighbors that way. The law firm on the corner, of course, was still there, as was the furniture store, though expanded so that the storefront now took up about two-thirds of the corridor.

Much to his delight, when Jesse went down the corridor that went right where the furniture store expanded that way, he saw that his favorite arcade, the Starlight Rainbow, was still there, as was the martial arts school across the hall.

Happy to see that the old place was still largely the same as he had left it so long ago, Jesse returned to the old theater to see if the old key he'd kept for all those years still worked. He'd placed it on another piece of memorabilia from happy days gone by: the green leather ID card wallet and key ring unit embossed with the seal of the university he'd gone to and graduated from. Although barely legible after nearly fifteen years of off and on use, the seal appeared to read “South Dakota State University, EST. 1889”.

Pulling the key fob from his left pocket with the same hand, he took one of the rather common-looking keys with his right hand before letting go with the left and inserting the key in the lock. When he gave the key the appropriate turn, Jesse was delighted to hear the lock open for him as easily as it always had.

“What do you know, still works.” Jesse said aloud to himself. “Probably dusty as hell in there after all this time, though.”

He was quickly proven correct when he entered and saw that the concessions counter around which so many of his “host segments” had taken place when he ran it a decade ago was indeed covered with dust. After brushing the dust away to see if there was still anything in the case, it occurred to the man to check the circuit breaker in the theater's office to see if anything was tripped or turned off before attempting to turn on any of the lights.

A few moments later, Jesse had unlocked and opened the door to his old office, though before he could actually enter and complete his task, he was halted by a rather stern female voice with a strong Spanish accent ordering him to put his hands in the air. Jesse quickly obeyed the command, holding onto his keys as he did.

“Now, turn around, criminal. Let me see your face.” the woman demanded.

“I assure you, madam, this is not what you might think.” Jesse foolishly said as he turned around, hands still above his head, to see an anthropomorphic red vixen with long blue hair, apparently done in a braid down to at least the middle of her back, smartly dressed in a short leather jacket, a dark-colored close-fitting top, equally close-fitting dark denim jeans, and flat work boots, and brandishing a rather large hand-held weapon. “Inspector Fox, I presume?”

“Do not speak unless instructed to!” the fox commanded. “Now, identify yourself!”

“Jesse Shearer, theater lessee.” Jesse introduced himself, much as he had on several similar occasions a decade before. “My identification card is in the key fob I'm holding.”

“Toss it to me!” the fox-lady commanded once more, and Jesse once again complied.

“Well, the picture is a near match, but the card itself expired nine years ago. If you have something more current, present it.” she ordered Jesse after examining the card.

“My drivers license is still current.” Jesse explained. “It's in my wallet, in my right pocket.”

“Give me your wallet. Remove it slowly.” the fox commanded again, and Jesse complied again as well.

“Alright, Mr. Shearer, I will take you at your word as to who you are since everything checks out. And you are correct, I am Inspector Carmelita Fox.” the Inspector explained after examining Jesse's drivers license. “Though I still have my doubts as to your authenticity. All our records say you simply vanished without a trace ten years ago. And you do know that your license is about to expire, don't you?”

“I'm well aware of all of that.” Jesse replied. “I had other, more pressing needs to take care of in my home realm that kept me occupied there for far longer than I would have liked. I'm unarmed. May I put my hands down now and see if I can find a light switch?”

“Just one last thing.” the Inspector instructed him, approaching him and quickly patting him down to make sure he was hiding no weapons in his loose-fitting garments. “Okay, you can put your hands down and find a light switch now.”

“Thank you.” Jesse said, as he entered the office and found the main circuit breaker, to find that he had indeed turned the main power switch off before he last left. “You know, Inspector, I tried the first game you were in while I was away. Never did get very far in it, but even still, meeting you is a bigger thrill than I'd thought it would be.”

“Well, I don't know anything about that or how things may have worked here before, but flattery will get you nowhere with me, butterball.” the Inspector informed him.

“Nor should it. I suspect Chief Odo would be rather upset with the both of us if it did.” Jesse remarked as he turned the main power and a few auxiliary switches on. “By the way, if you don't mind my asking, when might I get to meet him?”

“Odo is somewhere in this theater by now.” the Inspector informed him. “You'll meet him soon enough.”

“Good, good. I probably should have stopped in at your office when I was by there a little while ago, but I was too excited about seeing the old place again.” Jesse told her, beginning to sound more relaxed than he had when the encounter began. “Now, let's go see what's left in the snack case, even though it's probably no good any more.”

“Lead the way, then.” the Inspector told him.

“By the way, Inspector, may I call you Carmelita?” Jesse asked as they returned to the theater.

“Not quite yet. We're not on that familiar terms yet.” the Inspector replied.

“As you wish, then, though I've always gone by Jesse, if you please.” Jesse told her as they approached the concession stand, which Jesse began dusting with a cloth he'd found handy so he could see what was in it, to reveal that it was stocked rather full of boxes and bags of jelly beans As he did so, a rather old-looking Himalayan cat with long gray fur shuffled over to him as best any old house cat could and began intently glaring at Jesse.

“Well, hello there, Sheriff Putter. How did you get so far from your rescue center in Ohio?” Jesse asked the cat, bending down as best his own corpulent form would allow to pick the feline up. “Perhaps you could explain to me how this display case got so full of jelly beans, hmmm?”

“You say that as though you're not fond of them.” the Inspector commented.

“Quite right.” Jesse told her as he held the cat over his right shoulder and petted it for a moment. “I never have really cared for much candy in general, much less jelly beans. Too sugary for my tastes.”

“What sort of sweets do you prefer, then?” the Inspector asked of him.

“Vanilla cookies, mint candies and malted milk balls, on the occasions when I feel the need for them.” Jesse explained, setting the cat down on the counter. “If you're as lost about this as I am, I have a feeling that Putter here might know something. Or should I say Chief Odo?”

Once Jesse had said that, the cat began melting into a ball of goo that slid off the counter and began taking a more human shape as it touched the floor, eventually taking a form that bore a strong resemblance to Rene Auberjenois, in this case, in a beige sci-fi style uniform.

“Very observant of you, Mr. Shearer. How did you figure it out?” Odo asked.

“You weren't warm enough, and there was no purring when I was petting you, as creepy as that sounds.” Jesse explained. “But you're getting better at the whole shape-shifting thing. You really look like that one guy who was in the movie version of MASH and on Boston Legal.”

“Thank you. I've had considerable time to practice lately.” Odo told him.

“It's certainly been paying off.” Jesse complimented him. “If we get a chance to chat later, you two will have to tell me how you wound up here. But for now, the more important thing on my mind, to begin with, is if my lease here is still good. I haven't exactly kept up on the payments over the last ten years, but I see that a lot of my old stuff is still here and my key still works, too.”

“I'll look into it.” Odo said. “Meet me in the security office in an hour.”

“I'll be there.” Jesse replied.

“Good. I'll see you then.” Odo told him, and then left the theater. As the changeling walked out, Jesse remembered something that made him smile and chuckle a little bit.

“What are you laughing at?” the Inspector asked him.

“Oh, just thinking of the two of you working together, dealing with the few threats this place gets.” Jesse told her. “Kinda reminds me of how it was the last couple times I was here. Had a partner myself back then, just so I'd have somebody to watch the bad movies and stuff with. I kind of wonder what's happened to her by now...”

“Oh, you had a female friend here?” Inspector Fox asked, beginning to loosen up a bit, now knowing that something of an investigation is underway. “Perhaps we could help you find her again if you told us about her?”

“Couldn't hurt, I guess.” Jesse told her. “She was a foxlike creature, much like yourself, about five foot ten tall before the ears, yellow and white fur, wore blue, sleeve-length glovelike things. Called herself Renamon.”

“Ah yes, a 'digimon', I believe is what your friend is called.” the Inspector told him. “We've not seen any such creatures here, but we'll let you know if we find anything.”

“Thanks.” Jesse replied. “We may not have been quite the team that you and Odo are, but would still be nice to see her again.”

“I am sure it would be.” Fox replied.

“Oh, and while you're still here, is there anything I should have ready when I go talk to Odo later?” Jesse inquired.

“Just the documents relating to your old lease should suffice, I believe.” the Inspector told him. “I will have the chief call you later if there's more.”

“OK, thanks!” Jesse replied. “I'll get to looking for that.”

“And I'll go talk to the chief.” the Inspector said before leaving for the security office. At the same time, Jesse went back to his own office. Once there, he decided he should turn on the computer, just to see if it still worked, and if it was as out of date as he was certain it was. As he waited for the computer to boot up, he began looking through the old filing cabinet next to the desk, finding many old things that he'd forgotten over the years. After a few minutes, he turned back to the computer, to see that it had started up fully, more quickly than he had expected or remembered. Actually checking it out to see what all was still there would have to wait until after his meeting in the security office, as Jesse couldn't remember if there was anything relevant on the computer, and no way to print it off if there was, as the printer's ink cartridge would certainly have dried out after all the time that had passed.

Turning his attention back to the file cabinet, Jesse soon found the papers he needed. Collecting them up as best he could, Jesse then headed off to the security office, arriving just in time.

“I hope I didn't keep you waiting long.” Jesse said as he entered the security office to see Odo sitting at a desk, looking as if he were thinking about something major.

“You're actually right on time. I appreciate that.” Odo told him. “Have a seat, please, Mr. Shearer.”

“Thank you, sir.” Jesse replied, taking one of the chairs in front of the desk. “I asked Inspector Fox if there was anything I should bring and she suggested I dig up the records of my lease. I hope they're helpful.”

“Well, they will help back a few things up.” Odo said. “I've been doing some research on what you did while you were here. Something called 'misting treatments', was it?”

“Yes, sir. Based largely on a comedy television show, titled Mystery Science Theater. Used to be quite a bit of fun.” Jesse explained.

“Oh?” Odo asked, obviously thinking that the rotund human before him was mentally unwell. “This same research I was doing suggests that the process involved making people read or watch things against their will. That doesn't sound like much fun to me.”

“That's the general premise, yes. And I agree, it's not much fun at all doing it that way.” Jesse told him. “That's why I altered my system to allow me to run it from in the theater. Once I started doing it that way, my rule always was that I'd stop if the material ever got too bad, and that anyone else who chose to come with me could come and go as they pleased.”

“And that actually worked?” Odo inquired, not believing that it actually had.

“Well, except for the handful of times when somebody else managed to gain control of the automation, it worked very well, to be honest.” Jesse replied. “I didn't often have the same guests for two productions in a row, but I only ever remember one of them ever leaving in the middle of something.”

“Ah, so there were at least a few instances of your equipment being used for criminal purposes.” Odo suggested.

“Two, if I recall correctly. And I'll say right now that I never bothered to report them, simply because trying to sort it all out almost certainly would have caused more than a few heads to burst.” Jesse explained.

“How so?” Odo asked.

“Both times involved bad guys who were worse at being bad guys than I was at securing my system, and their whole schemes wound up getting turned back on them for stupid reasons. I couldn't turn them in because what I was doing in there at the time wasn't, and really still isn't, exactly the most legal thing ever, and they couldn't do the same to me for stopping them without also turning themselves in for interfering in my business.” Jesse replied.

“Yes, I've had plenty of experience with cases like that myself.” Odo commented.

“Oh yes, I'm sure.” Jesse said. “But I doubt that Quark fellow would have tried to make me do something I'd already made up my mind to do anyway.”

“No, but he probably would have found a way to make you pay him for it.” Odo told him.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Jesse agreed. “That's one thing I took away from some other viewing habits.”

“Other viewing habits?” Odo asked.

“It would probably take longer to explain than either of us has right now.” Jesse told him. “But anyway, the thing I need to make clear here is that I won't be kidnapping or torturing anyone here. At least, nobody other than myself.”

“I have my doubts about your operation, but if you claim it works...” Odo replied, clearly not believing what he had been hearing.

“Well, I can certainly show you the basics of my system if you'd like.” Jesse suggested. “I don't have anything to use it on, and the whole thing probably needs to be updated either way, but I'm sure I can still show it off.”

“Perhaps another time. Let me know when you have something to work with, and we'll see.” Odo told him. “In the meantime, I think I have what I need for now. If there's anything else, I'll let you know.”

“Thank you. May I presume this means I'm free to go?” Jesse asked.

“Certainly.” Odo told him. “I'll be in touch.”

“Thank you again, sir.” Jesse said, as he stood to leave. As he departed the security office and headed for his theater, Jesse realized that he would have quite a bit of difficulty repairing and updating his old equipment on his own. Over the last decade, he had lost contact with all the old friends who had helped him before, and he knew he was not up to the task himself.

As he approached the theater, Jesse saw a pink hippopotamus with a very similar build to his own and a turtle in a strangely-designed mechanized wheelchair examining the door near the box office, as if they were attempting to break in. When he realized who his visitors likely were, he realized his problems may have been solved.

“Howdy, guys. I think I can help you with that.” Jesse told the pair, as he approached them from behind, startling both the would-be burglars, causing the hippopotamus to defend with a punch, which Jesse somehow dodged.

“Woah, woah, easy there, big fella!” Jesse said, as his attacker recovered his balance after missing. “I've got a key to the door.”

“That seems... a little convenient...” the turtle said, understandably not believing what he had just heard.

“No, seriously, I do.” Jesse told them, taking the wallet with the key ring from his left pocket and using the key to unlock the door. “It's my theater, after all. Come on in.”

“That certainly made things easier. Thank you, sir.” the hippopotamus said, as he and his wheelchair-bound companion entered through the door that Jesse held open for them.

“So, what brings you fine fellows here today, anyway?” Jesse asked, as he followed them in. “I've only just gotten back myself, so there are no movies to watch yet.”

“We, uh, came to look around... ya know, see what's here, an' stuff...” the hippopotamus said, sounding a bit nervous.

“This is an awfully specific place to come, isn't it?” Jesse asked, taking note of the pink fellow's behavior.

“What my friend means to say is that we believe that... certain belongings of ours may have found their way into your theater.” the turtle explained.

“Ah, the jelly beans. That would explain a few things.” Jesse said, attempting to do an impression of the Fourth Doctor from the BBC's Doctor Who. “That must mean you two are Bentley and Murray.”

“That would be us.” Bentley confirmed.

“A pleasure to meet you, gentlemen. My name's Jesse. I've become a fan of yours in recent months.” Jesse explained. “I suppose I should mention that your lovely friend Inspector Fox has taken a position in the mall's security department.”

“That's not good.” Murray said, sounding worried.

“It does complicate things. She may have a bit of a grudge against us, regarding our friend Sly Cooper.” Bentley added.

“Oh, I doubt she'll give us much trouble.” Jesse told them. “Your friend isn't here, and I suspect the head guy keeps her busy anyway. But it's rather fortunate that you two would show up like this. I'm going to need some major tech work done if I intend to get this place running again, and from what I've seen, you're just the guys for the job.”

“I dunno. It seems a little risky, especially if Carmelita Fox is here...” Bentley said, sounding a little nervous as well.

“Thing is, she tried to bust me when I first got here, probably thinking I was Pinkie, here.” Jesse explained, gesturing to Murray. “Much as dislike having to resort to blackmail, I'd also rather not tell her I found the guys who left their jelly beans here. Probably wouldn't end well, ya know.”

“I see your point.” Murray said.

“How can we help?” Bentley asked.

“Well, let me show you. Most of the things that need work are right this way.” Jesse said, leading his new friends to the office so he could show them the setup.

“Wow, this is some really outdated stuff! I don't think I can do very much with it.” Bentley told Jesse.

“I'm really not too worried about the computer. It's an off-the-shelf model that I can probably replace for a few hundred bucks. What I'm more worried about is the converter over here.” Jesse explained as he approached an odd-looking device just larger than a high-end office copy machine. The device had a chute on one end for inserting large square or rectangular objects, and an assortment of slots and trays on the other, apparently for the output of reels of film and other various audio and visual media.

“Interesting. I don't think I've ever seen a device quite like this before. What's it do?” Bentley asked.

“It's a text-to-A/V converter.” Jesse explained. “It takes text materials, usually printed, in this case, and converts them into media more suitable for viewing on a big screen. Usually that meant reel-to-reel film, but this model also does VHS, Betamax, and Laserdisk.”

“Wow! That is awesome!” Murray exclaimed.

“Indeed. I feel honored just to see one of these things. I've heard of them, but I didn't know they actually existed.” Bentley concurred. “Do you think it still works?”

“Only one way to find out, but it's going to rely on my having something to work with on my computer and a printer that still works.” Jesse replied, moving to the keyboard on his desk. “I'll just need a couple minutes to look.”

“You mean you kept a supply of material to work with on your computer? Wasn't that a bit... dangerous, what with the computer viruses and all?” Bentley asked.

“Well, yeah, there was that risk, of course. But something the two of you may not realize is that the only things in here right now that aren't from an era gone by are the two of you. The risk may have been... somewhat exaggerated, to be honest.” Jesse explained as he worked his way through the file system on his computer, eventually finding what he was looking for and opening a file. “Ah, here we go. These 'substitute drug' bits were always fun. You guys see any scrap paper handy, just so we can see if this thing'll still print? It might be on the shelf over by you, Murray.”

“Yeah, here ya go, Jesse!” Murray told him, handing over a stack of loose printer paper with old news articles printed on one side.

“Thanks!” Jesse replied, taking the paper and counting out a dozen sheets that he put into the printer after putting the rest on the desk. “Now, let's see if this thing still works.”

“After ten years of not being used, that is highly doubtful.” Bentley commented.

“Yeah, you're probably right, but may as well give it a shot anyway.” Jesse agreed, sending the open file to the printer, which sounded like all the mechanical parts were still working, but the pages came out with no more on them than when they started.

“Well, that's no surprise, I guess. The ink tank has probably dried out, and I'd be surprised if they make new ones.” Jesse commented. “Ah well, I was going to have to modernize all this stuff anyway.”

“We can help with that if you'd like.” Bentley offered.

“Well, thanks, but I think I'll have to decline for the moment, unless you've got a thousand bucks or so you can spare.” Jesse suggested.

“Sorry, we don't.” Murray replied.

“Ah, don't worry about it. I've got it. But if you wouldn't mind coming back in about a week or so, maybe we could have a look-see at the rest of the equipment.” Jesse told them. “I'd certainly appreciate a little help with that.”

“Sure, I'd love to see some of this stuff in action.” Bentley replied.

“Will there be goodies?” asked Murray.

“Oh, of course. Jelly beans, cookies, popcorn, drinks, the works.” Jesse told him. “Just so long as you don't have your heart set on any particular viewing material.”

“I'm in, too, then!” Murray said, excitedly.

“Great! I'll see you next week then.” Jesse replied. “I kinda feel bad about rushing you guys out like this, but I've gotta go price out some new computer stuff, and I get the feeling you two would rather not get too much of the lovely inspector's attention right now.”

“Yeah, you've got a point.” Murray said, as he and Bentley turned to leave the office. “Besides, now that we know my jelly beans are safe, we're going to start looking for our buddy Sly Cooper.”

“Well, hey, good luck with that.” Jesse told them as he followed them out into the lobby. “And thanks for coming by. It's nice to meet you. I really hope we can work together every now and then.”

“Yeah, us too.” Bentley agreed. Before the trio could depart the theater, however, Inspector Fox entered, needing them to stay a moment longer.

“Hello, gentlemen.” the Inspector greeted them.

“Hi there. Something we can help you with, Inspector?” Jesse asked of her.

“I may not know you yet, Jesse, but your two new friends are familiar.” the Inspector told him. “Perhaps the three of you are up to no good, hm?”

“Well, it's like I said last time we were here. It's not what you think, Inspector.” Jesse explained. “See, Pinkie and the Brain here have offered to help me get the place going again in exchange for storing some of their stuff.”

“Oh, is that so?” Fox asked. “And this 'help' you speak of wouldn't involve stealing, would it?”

“No, I don't think it will. I'll be purchasing some new computer equipment with my own funds.” Jesse replied. “Unless you two are planning something I'm not aware of?”

“Nope.” Murray replied.

“I have no such plans.” Bentley added.

“I'll be watching the three of you very closely all the same.” Inspector Fox warned them.

“Well, if you feel it's necessary...” Jesse said.

“I do.” she replied

“We'll keep that in mind, then.” Jesse continued. “If there's nothing more we can do for you, are we free to go?”

“Yes. Just remember, though, I'll be watching.” the Inspector reminded them one more time before departing.

“Now that I think of it, is there some way I can get ahold of you guys before next week if I need to? No obligation, of course, just wondering, for just in case, you know?” Jesse asked of his new friends once the vixen had left.

“We'd prefer not to, at least for now.” Bentley told him. “We just met, after all...”

“Besides, we need to find our friend Sly and a different base to work from.” Murray added.

“Well, hey, good luck with that. If you need a secondary base in the meantime, keep me in mind.” Jesse said. “Otherwise, I guess I'll see you guys next week.”

“I'm looking forward to it.” Bentley said.

“Me, too!” Murray added.

“Have a good week, then, guys!” Jesse told them, as the three left the theater and headed their separate ways, Jesse to the computer store and Bentley and Murray to find their friend and leader.

Unknown to any of them, a yellow, foxlike creature had watched the trio depart, wondering what was to come...

Jesse Shearer and the Sly Cooper Gang will return in “Spams Of Weirdness”!

Mystery Science Theater copyright Best Brains, Inc

Sly Cooper characters property Sucker Punch Productions/Sanzaru Games

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine copyright Paramount Pictures/CBS

Doctor Who copyright BBC

MASH (movie) copyright Twentieth Century Fox

Boston Legal copyright ABC Television

Digimon copyright Toei Animation